


Bitches Be Devious - "Can't Have Shit In Detroit,"

by AArctuurus_HHellion



Category: Bitches Be Devious
Genre: Anal Sex, B), Bees?, Breaking and Entering, Bugs, CUM., Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Demons?, Drugs, Guns and shit, HELL we're back, Help, I need to make a call, IKEA, Learning How to Ride a Bike, McDonalds., Oral Sex, Original Characters - Freeform, Other, Pretzels, REP RVM, Red Velvet Mafia, Sexual content???, Sniffing glue, Thighs, Violence, Walk Into A Bar, Yikes, a bag of pee in the glovebox, acab B), actual arson, alcohol??, allow me to read you a monologue, armed robbery?, assbeater 420, at least its not milwaukee, awkward car rides, bababooey, beating homophobes to death, beginners guide to necromancy, being agressively british, being mean to spirit airlines, bike theft?, bitch got hoes, bj behind a walmart, crimes B), dad bods?, demon boob, did I already say guns, doin ya mom, fanservice.., fashion police is HERE, femboy hooters., four people one bathtub, fuckers stole my toilet, fucking rvm bar, game avatars n shit, garrett kills a pedestrian 2 electric boogaloo, get stickbugged, gets dark sometimes, getting stuck in a washing machine, going pspspsss at People, gunpoint, harmonizing on the word "penis" but it actually sounds really nice what the hell, help v3, help x2, its called 1317 :), its fictional shut the fuck up, its not gay to kiss the homies goodnight, life isnt not a simulation you're just gay, mafia stuff, making things increasingly awkward, men in skirts, mentions of that ? well it exists, moths?, mothy moth, murder?, muscular thighs :], neck tattoos, no, pew pew pew, pretending to be Wendys employees, race cist, roblox booze baybee, rooze, sewer time babeey, sharp teefies.., shhhhh, simp...., someone gets curbstomped I'll tell you that much, stealing a cow, strippers., tall people., target department store, there will be heehoo haw haw stuff tho :], ukelele attacks, vehicular manslaughter, wahoo, weapons?, weeb, what if someone fucked a grapefruit, where does the shit go, woah oh oh woaah oh woah oh oh oh oh story of undertale, yeah the Roblox rvm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:01:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26103850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AArctuurus_HHellion/pseuds/AArctuurus_HHellion
Summary: A bunch of criminals, a writer and other suspicious figures fool around in Detroit Michigan in the year 2021. Of course, now that a global pandemic isn't exactly over, but dampened down.For most of them, these devious head-asses can be so, so damn idiotic in varying ways, they're considered dangerous on the streets.
Relationships: B) - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. intro B)

**Author's Note:**

> mama mia B)

norm sat down. his roommate, iris, (big boobie cat lady), finished lecturing him about how he shouldn't ""bitchslap a civilian because they called him a slur regarding one's sexuality"".  
he thought it was valid. either way, his red desk-chair creaked as he sat and loomed forward over his old, oaky desk, shuffling around for the correct... notebook. all things considered, this lad has too many. 

ah yes.

the start of his 'frequent criminals in this area forward-slash hot people' journal.  
mans took a look inside.

norman was hesitant, considering the last time he wrote in this thing was when he was kinda. weed-ed.

above was a messy bust sketch of a himbo in a coat with tattoos littering muscle-y forearms; tied together with a stupid facemask-that-he-couldnt-remember-the-design-of. oh, yeah, not to note the purple stag antlers headband. 

when you think about it, this guy kinda looked like a super high school level astronaut but... on substances. 

" that's.. he's something, alright. he's known as alot of things. big red, mackdaddy, but primarily showbiz. man's a beast. world-class criminal, he's a mafia boss up south when he isn't... adding to his alleged harem or trying to fuck shit up with antique guns down here in detroit. good looks, swift moves; strong judgement. i've seen him convince a junkie a hand grenade was an apple. "

-other notes: " kind of a tool, i've heard. "  
" looks like an alcoholic. "  
" .. where does he get the antique guns? "

no sketchy sketch above this one, he saw: just the drawing of a circular mask with a.. unnerving schmiley face.  
when norman tried to think of what 'pokerface' looked like, all he could picture was "twig". 

" they call that one pokerface. or, in some places they call 'im fast-hands. can't shoot a gun for jack shit. everyone on the streets knows that. hey, but, like, don't let him get too close. you might lose your life if he wants it. there's... no elegance. just pure animalistic.. urge. vicious. raawrgh. mysterious, i suppoooose. i gueeess. his hair looks greasy. i think he might be homeless. well, he has a really nice suit, so, like- i dont know. maybe boob lady houses him? "

other notes: " oh gosh, too many rumors about the mask. like, no face. too many eyes. the mask is his face. all of that shit, ya know? "  
" i think he's fucked both demons. "

well, maybe norman's eyes were tired and hazed, because when he looked down at the sketch above the next paragraph.. all he could see was the purple demon emoticon but with a slightly hooked-over jaw.

yikes?

" uh, the purble crabby lookin' demon guy. he's one of the demons, yeah. he's a reeeal pussy i've heard. they call him tentacle porn. i mean, i haven't heard anyone on the streets calling him that, but i've heard it shouted after him a few times. he's kinda cute, idunno. the only things on his record are attempted armed robbery, and public indecency. never seen 'im fight or do something bad bad before. "

other notes: " looks snuggly. "

tentacle porn. damn.

mm. what do we have here? no face, just a drawing of... cleavage. boobies.  
norm wasn't sure if he was ready for this one.

" demon boob girl! she's reeeal pretty! they call her 'milkies'. i think. well, it's accurate. i didn't think somebody with red skin, like, existed! i mean, like, i've always pictured red skin on a living thing kinda funky. but she is a demon or something, after all. i've seen her beat someone unconcious with her fists, i guess. never seen 'er with a gun or a knife, though. "

other notes: " warm tiddy... "

milkies.  
norman blinked rapidly at the page. milkies. yeah, it was there. it was real. 

" aaand there's me! i write about criminals and other weird folk. i'm norm. i'm not a murderer or a robber or some wack shit, don't worry. "

other notes: " simp for all of them! "

"Wh- N-No I don't," norman muttered to himself, grumbling inaudibly before closing the journal. yeah, he'd revisit that tomorrow.


	2. late night drive for late night people

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> god help anyways this chapter gets funky it will get funkier god I'm so fucking sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> randy..

the dusk threatened to swallow what was left of light still in the sky, no clouds to make streaks or imperfections. the air was lukewarm and tame, the trees flying past what seemed to be... a beaten-up white van. the back half a few quarters spottily covered in red spraypaint. yuck?

dents and bullet holes littered the sides of the vehicle, a trashbag and duct-tape was a makeshift window. an entire door was missing off of the back of the vehicle, but we won't talk about that.

"Fuck Milwaukee," said a pretty boxy, purple.. not shelled, well-- it wasn't really skin? purple demon thing. here we have ebenezer. a pussy.  
nobody knows where he materialized.

or, when he'll... unmaterialize.

as 'eb rested his smooth skull-thing against the headrest of the passenger seat, his horns 'bonk''d the roof of the car.

ebenezer's dark, exhausted eyes flickered open, staring devoidly into nowhere.

a red-skinned arsonist that smells like a bag of doritos with luscious black hair sighed audibly, slapping the red-suited lanky boy over her lap.  
yum. nimune and chance; the impulse-driven dumbass, and the dumbass with literally zero self-dignity. mans could not care less.

'nim slapped chance’s back and rear like they were bongos, groaning loudly. chance could care less. he was massaging the cold, bagged turkey in the back seat.

“Put some fucking music on, Garry.” nimune snapped, before continuing. for she is a dumb fucking cretin, absolute fucking buffoon. a bumbling idiot. fuck you

garrett, the cringe-ass nae nae baby mafia boss in the front seat, was not responding. infact, his eyes were closed and garr’s grip on the wheel was loose. 

ebenezer blinked and looked to the side, before stammering. the purple lad saw human skin for a second and just looked away, pressing a random fucking button for a radio station. ebenezer turned a little volume-knobby thing up, visibly repulsed with the music that played.  
shawty truly is, infact, like a melody in my head.

ebenezer looked to the side again. just a little bit.

“He’s masturbating,” eb choked out dryly.

nimune spoke up. “Wait, what? I thought he was asleep.” chance chimed in with a, “Really? I thought he was fuggin’ drunk, man. You’re not gonna stop ‘im, are yah?”  
ebenezer spoke up. he placed a hand on garrett’s shoulder.  
“We are in a car. This is not one of your beanbag orgies. Please, put your penis away—“

“Huuh? Oh, uuh-right, yeah. We aaare. Giimme a second, lemme u-uh-“

“GARRETT,” chance shouted, sitting up awkwardly.

'nim bleated and wriggled in discomfort as chance did not hesitate to use her as a staircase. however, he slipped on something and hit mira with a leg. the bagged and netted grocery-store turkey slid out from under him and tumbled out the back of the van.

“ouGH MY FUCKING PELVIS-“

ebenezer shrieked and turned around. “WAS THAT THE TURKEY?”

“THE WHOLE TURKEY, INNIT? BITCH CRACKED ME BONES, FUCKS SAKE-“ chance shouted, trying to hoist himself up.

eb whipped around and rested his head on a part of the dashboard, grumbling and whimpering in distress. “I fucking hate all of y—“

chance stood, having to duck, climbing his way through to the front two seats.  
“Eb, lemme spare yah-“  
ebenezer took off his mangled seatbelt and quickly tried to squeeze past chance, falling flat on his face, while chance took the passenger seat. mira cackled and chortled. mmm.

chance opened the glovebox. “My crack isn’t in here. Only the bag of pee.”

garrett chuckled lowly. “Trees are lookin eeextra curvy..” the face on chance’s mask grimaced.

“You’re scarring us. You are fucking scarring us. Put your penis away. Now. It’s— I don’t wanna fuckin’ scrap, just put the-“

“Randy needs some air too, yeah?” garrett snickered, pulling his hood and fashion-surgical mask down, sighing. the car swerved, tires squealing a little on the road.  
ebenezer’s voice trembled as he sat in the second row of seats.

nimune grabbed an empty beer bottle that was rolling around and clinking in the back of the van. her first instinct was to chuck it as hard as she physically could into the front of the vehicle, and she did just that. however, it did not break. garrett elicited a frightened noise, chance screeched like a banshee for a second. it clinked and fell down while rattling and hitting various parts of the center console. the noise kind-of halted, colliding with the armrest as it tumbled into the second row of seats, but not quite into the back.

ebenezer just felt horridly overwhelmed with the noise. the bag of pee, too? Randy. 

“He named his penis. I—I can’t do this anymore, he’s— I’m going to call s-somebody, I-“ ebenezer said shakily.

well, chance pulled a glock out from god knows where, probably was on his belt beforehand. nimune prepared the neck-throttling hands. garrett put his dick away. regardless, it still tented his adeedis sweatpants.

ebenezer hid his face and curled into the side of the seat. “I don’t have my phone on me, ssh—ssshhhhh, I-I don’t have it, Chance, Chance put the—“

well, a, uh, speedbump was hit. mira briefly screamed, ebenezer, also screamed like a little pissbaby.

“Garrett, that was a hitch-hiker. Garry.. My buddy, my pal, you just fucking ran over somebody.” chance said loudly, slapping the dashboard.

garrett slurred his words a bit, rolling his eyes.  
“The fuck is ‘e gonna do? Van don’t got a fuuckin plate, broh. B’sides, not like wee’re gonna, uuh.. See him again or sumshit,,”

'nim piped up in the back, sitting in the chair behind chance, and paralell to where ebenezer was sitting.  
“You know, Chance, you say that like he hasn’t done worse. Which… He has. I might not reeeally know what he’s done, but the man has a mafia up north’er sumn.”

chance went silent.  
the whole car of wannabe criminals went silent, asides from the radio that was cutting out while playing some new rap bullshit.

‘eb was bouncing a knee subconciously while staring at the treeline, brows furrowed in distress. he didn’t process the “a pedestrian was murdered” part. yet.  
garrett closed his eyes juuust a little bit. chance noticed sooner or later and put a hand on the wheel. van still swerved on the road a bit. nimune coughed and spit out the back of the van, cracking her neck. and knuckles. and everything?

“Van smells like crack, blood, sorrow and pre-packaged lunch meat.”  
mira said, staring out the window.

the van was still silent, asides from garrett muttering in drowsy discomfort. the soft thumping of ebenezer’s tail against the side of his seat was also heard, but the music dominated essentially most of the sound.

slowly, the van came to a halt. ‘eb was half passed out, chance undid his seatbelt, climbing over a little and shaking garrett.  
“Hello? Are you fuckin’ awake, mate? Get the show on the road, dammit, I have.. Clothes in the washer?”

garrett slowly spoke.

“The cat. Get the cat.”

nimune climbed out of the back of the van and dropped her pants. she started to, uh, you know. pee. in the road. not the grass. the road. a singular car whooshed by.

“TURN YA FUCKIN’ BRIGHTS OFF, YOU COATHANGER ABORTI— YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT, I’LL PUT YOU IN A GOD DAMN ZOOT!”

meanwhile, garrett opened his door, pushed chance out. chance scuttled over to the tiny black cat like the long, lanky bastard he is and tried to pspsps at it. he tried to ignore nimune screaming bloody murder at a silver prius that sped by.

garrett got out of the van and vomited agressively into the grass on the side of the road.

ebenezer, interested in what chance was doing, shuffled out of the van and approached the cat and chance.  
‘eb purred and made weird animal-y noises at the cat. the feline favored ebenezers ‘bwurr'ing over chance’s awkward,, crab walk and grabby hands.

ebenezer picked up the cat and headed back to the van. chance headed over to nimune and dropped his pants, too. peeing next to eachother.  
except, 'nim had been urinating on the street for about a whole minute now? garrett was kinda regretting drinking and throwing it back on this fine night. he did, infact, get pussy, so it should be fine in the morning. except for the wicked hangover, but yknow

when everyone was back and settled in, lads kept schmoovin and driving to town babeey B)


End file.
